Yes – it’s ok to be emotional in your next negotiation.

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Be emotional by design, by plan, for a reason. 

 

Some person many moons ago said the best way to act in a negotiation is stoic, quiet, and unmoving – the poker face. Quiet is good, the others are questionable. 

 

Skilled negotiators are open to bringing emotion into their negotiations.  Remember that emotions are expressed verbally and physically.  Here are some examples:

 

Happiness

It can be appropriate if you wish to encourage the other party. Maybe they have done something new, or something you have been requesting for some time.  If this is a good thing and we want more of it, it can be appropriate to reward good behavior.

 

Disappointment & Frustration

As people value things that are hard to obtain, this is a powerful emotion. Show the other party that you expected better and that you need them to come more in your direction. “While we appreciate your proposal, we are disappointed and expected better.”

 

Anger

Without crossing respectful lines, a loud, firm tone can move a party. This might be needed if your feelings of disappointment are not coming across.

 

Strong (even foul) Language

Used very sparingly, this can be an effective tool to wake the other party. Do not direct the language at the other party; direct it at yourself (“I am so insert word right now.”). Or direct it at the proposal itself. (“That proposal is insert word.”) If this is not your style, don’t use this type of language. If you think it will truly offend the other party, don’t use it. Be smart.

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If the other side makes an unacceptable proposal, let them know.  (BTW: Most proposals should be unacceptable – people value things that are hard to obtain. Your acceptance should be hard to obtain.)

 

Story: I was in a personal negotiation a couple of years ago – a dispute with a person I hired to do some work for me. Lawyers were involved. We had a settlement meeting, and for two hours while they presented their case, by design, I emotionally reacted – rolling of the eyes, “you can’t be serious,” shaking my head, “really.” I had a list of the flinches on my notepad, so I didn’t become too repetitive. In the end, although it did help that they were wrong on principle and the facts, the other party looked at me and said, “I am so tired of you reacting that way. Just forget it. I don’t want to deal with you anymore.” Perfect.  The feeling was mutual.   

 

How to Plan for Emotion

Imagine walking into a negotiation in which they are expected to provide a counterproposal. As a team, you agree that if they say “X,” you say you are “disappointed, but will come back with a proposal.” If they say, “Y”, we will be emotional – slam the table, sit in silence for 1 minute, then tell them, “That was unacceptable.” Or announce, “We are taking a break so we don’t say something we will regret.”

 

It’s ok to be emotional; it is never good for emotion to have you.  Always be in control.

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